Maggots

Notes on the cleansing of wounds…

A song I’m listening to at the moment: Shiloh by Audrey Assad

I’ve written out the lyrics below because they are pure gold.

Shiloh

Deep down your eyes look
Haunted by grey ghosts
You live in your stories
Hunted by shadows

When pain comes to show you
What you'd rather not know
What will your heart do?
What will you let go?

May loving kindness
Calm the raging of the wound
May your healing
Be a clearing in the wood
May you breathe in
Deeper than you ever could before

See what you've lived through
So you can grieve it (you can let it go, you can let it go)
And draw it towards you
Catch and release it (you can let it go, you can let it go)

And now as your tears flow
Let them be cleansing (you can let it go, you can let it go)
Washing your heart so
You can be mending (you can let it go, you can let it go)

May loving kindness
Calm the raging of the wound
May your healing
Be a clearing in the wood
May you breathe in
Deeper than you ever could before

In every season
For every seed there's a time to grow
A time to grow through yesterday's curtains
Maybe you'll open a window, a window

So everything broken
Everything bleeding
Can be made whole
Can be made whole
Where everything shattered
Baby, you'll find your Shiloh
Your Shiloh

Audrey Assad

I know I know Maggots but stay with me. I returned from a wild camping trip with my Dad last Summer to a myriad of maggots at my food waste bin! Horrible. But maggots had actually also featured on the wild camping trip and upon my gasp at the sight of the maggots in my actual house, my friend Naomi who was staying with me at the time commented… “do you know what maggots were originally used for? Cleaning wounds.” And so I wanted to honour the maggot’s original purpose and write a little bit around my thoughts on maggots and the cleansing of wounds.

Maggots are notoriously creepy and crawly and slimy but their slime is a remarkable healing balm, used by battlefield surgeons for centuries to close wounds. They munch on rotting flesh, leaving healthy tissue practically unscathed. Now, if a doctor were to say to me to let a bunch of maggots at an open wound of mine, let’s be honest, I’d be asking for the penicillin please. But maggots’ ability to cleanse wounds intrigued me after a wild camping trip in the Summer with my Dad in Co. Cavan.

A few weeks earlier I had sent off my Patagonia jacket to their Worn Wear department to replace the zip. It was returned to me and to my surprise there was a note attached to say,

“Your jacket needs to be cleaned before it can be repaired.”

These words stayed with me despite my frustration at my jacket not being returned fixed.

In August, my Dad and I went to Pat’s cottage, a run down, old, beautiful cottage up a dirt track lane just outside Ballyconnell, in the middle of Ireland. The cottage was beautiful and right beside it was an open field with a cluster of big old fir trees. We pitched our tents and made this our base for a few days.

My kind of retreat. Nothing to do, no-one to see, camping wild, using branches as hooks for my towel and wash bag. It was stunningly wild and so beautiful that I recognised it as home after spending a few nights there, finding it hard to leave.

On one particular morning, I was sitting in a chair in the field with my notebook writing. The sun streaming through the trees and a red squirrel scuttled up a nearby fir tree. I’ve never heard a squirrel laugh before but this little guy ran half way up the tree with a mouthful of acorns, looked me straight in the eye, chuckled and then went on his merry way.

A wild camping retreat along a dirt track near Ballyconnell, Ireland.

Back to the maggots. In Dad’s van on the way to the field, Dad had asked me to look for something in the back of the van. I reached through grasping for it and picked up a Tupperware with a yellow lid. Dad at this point commented just don’t open the box with the yellow lid. Said box was now in my hand. I asked why and Dad said oh it’s full of maggots. Well I nearly flung the Tupperware as far from me as I could, imagining these squirming little mites in there. I was like first of all why would you not have those in a container that locks closed and secondly why on earth do you have a box full of maggots?!! Fishing he said, I bought a pound of maggots so we could go fishing and I’ve borrowed two rods for us. Great ok, it all makes sense now.

We found a lake and Dad got to setting up the fishing rods. Here’s where the cleansing of wounds comes in and I write this with permission from my Dad. As we arrived Dad had one focus in mind and that was to get the fishing rod figured out and set up but in doing this he saw the one rock that was there and went and sat on it without any regard for me and where I might sit while he worked this all out. There was also no communication about how long it might take, if I could help etc. He was there in his own thoughts and his own world and I was there standing like a lemon on the side of this lake trying to distract my dog from running off to chase things in the trees or eating the maggots! This seems like it might be an insignificant thing but I was experiencing some very big emotions, some might say core wounds. Neglected, not communicated to, ignored, left standing on my own while Dad was consumed by a task. I didn't say anything at the time and went back to the van to get a chair to sit on. Dad oblivious at this stage that I was emotionally combusting on the inside carried on getting the rod assembled. Here’s the thing.

The cleansing of our wounds requires our participation. To be honest with ourselves and with each other.

The fishing didn't happen because I had become overwhelmed by emotion, triggered by Dad’s lack of communication and awareness of my needs. I couldn’t even think about spending time fishing. So we drove back to the tents. I was in tears and can only describe what feels like agony emotionally. Here’s where the cleansing happens. As Audrey Assad so beautifully writes in her lyrics in the song Shiloh,

“And now as your tears flow, let them be cleansing, washing your heart so you can be mended.”

We were never told that tears were cleansing. We were told mostly that it was a sign of weakness. Subconsciously encouraged to bottle it up, keep a stiff upper lip. But tears are for our cleansing. They give us a great release and it’s the most natural thing in the world. I’m not sure when I realised that it may not be ok to cry but I know this is a internal narrative that I grew up with. I felt shameful when I cried and folk saw. How much we need to re-write the script for this generation and thank God I do believe that’s happening.

So the tears were falling, it was painful. Isn’t this so often the case that when we give ourselves permission to feel, it can be most painful. Maybe this is why we avoid opening the cans of worms within because, truth be told, it’s easier to bottle it up, it’s harder to open up our wounds. It’s messy and painful. It takes courage.

I went for a walk, still reeling from this seemingly small, insignificant event that triggered so much in me. I walked for about 5mins before realising that what I actually needed was the repair. The tears were the cleansing…but I also needed the repair. So I walked back towards the tents again where Dad was. I walked up to him, still in tears and for some reason said I was sorry. I was sorry. I was sorry that this had all happened and I was sorry for how I was feeling and I’m sure how he was too. Dad opened up his arms and gave me a hug. When we can be open and honest and about our struggles even if it revolves around the actions of another person and still be comforted at the end of it all, repair is possible. I know this isn’t everyone’s experience and I’m mindful of that and want to be sensitive because of this.

Repair isn’t always possible I know. But the cleansing of our wounds is.

So in this New Year, more than anything else I would encourage you to listen deeply to yourself and respond, even if it brings up uncomfortable, maggoty feelings.

Let your tears be your cleansing.

This is the work I feel privileged to get to do. To walk with people through the deepest recesses of their pain and to bear witness to the cleansing of their wounds.

This is also why I believe in the power of counselling to bring healing and wholeness for people. It’s the greatest work you’ll ever do.

I am taking on new clients in the New Year within my outdoor therapeutic organisation - Wild Therapy

Reach out on Facebook or Instagram if any of this has resonated with you and you’d like to talk with a professional counsellor.

It would be my privilege to journey with you.

I hope this speaks gently to you on your way…

Until the next time.